I was standing by the kitchen window yesterday making a cup of tea when a hearse drove past, as the coffin laden car passed the driver glanced up and gave the filthiest look possible, then the driver of the next car did the same, and the next and the next. About seven car loads of mourners in all gave me dirty looks.
After they had passed I leaned out and saw the cause of their bad feeling, my neighbour on the right had left bags of rubbish on the edge of the road (this is after the rubbish collection) the neighbour on the left had dumped a load of discarded pillows which where lying next to my drive and he had left his wheelie bin in the middle of the road in front of my house, forcing everybody to drive round it. I am innocent I tell you, but I feel so dirty.

I have told my wife not to bury me on collection day.